writing makes it better. sometimes.

I'm not sure how I feel about starting a blog again. I was blogging a little on myspace, but I guess I moved over to this because no one knows about it yet. I don't know if I want to share this or not, but I feel like I need to write.


I've been moving along in life as steadily as anyone else, but right now I'm feeling pretty discouraged. I feel as though work has seriously taken over my life. While I love being at the the studios most of the time and I think my students are fabulous the fact that I have NO time really to hang out with my friends (or lack thereof) is slowing tearing me down. As we speak I am in the middle of problems with one of my closest friends because I haven't seen her in forever and it seems as though I am not making an effort. I promise everyone that I WANT to see you, but when it comes to being at work till 8:30 pm on a Saturday and needing to wake up to do choreography and work all day Sunday, I just can't make it happen. I feel like I'm constantly sick and always tired. I had the flu about a month ago and still was at work everyday because I didn't have a sub. I just don't have the strength. My actual days off are so few and far between that I end up cleaning my house, or food shopping or paying bills, running errands, sleeping, etc. I'm starting to feel like I'm not giving my students enough of me either because I am so burnt out.



In other less depressing news I am still working on selling my house. I am way behind on all of this, but I'm doing my best. I applied to Rutgers' doctoral program for cognitive psychology and I'm waiting to hear if I got in. I'm not feeling too optimistic (which if you know me at all this is very uncharacteristic of me), but I so badly want to get in. I have absolutely NO idea what I will do if I don't get accepted. I cannot go on teaching dance for the rest of eternity. I really wish I had time to dance for me and make work, but I just don't. My hope is to get into Rutgers graduate in 2013, have everyone call me Dr. Edwards, get a job teaching at a college with a dance program, do dance research, make pieces, and be happy with the man I hopefully find along the way. I miss my Muhlenberg life SOOOOO badly, constantly learning and being surrounded by people who love you, I would take that back so quickly if I could.



I've been reading different people's blogs, their statuses on facebook, posts on myspace, away messages and really I couldn't be more jealous. To be free to just move where you want, do want you want, without being tied down must be a wonderful feeling. Please don't think I am looking for sympathy because I'm not. I mean, yes the hand I've been dealt is a shitty one, but I do have two wonderful brothers who mean the world to me, and I think my parents prepared me to deal with everything that I am doing right now, but sometimes it is hard to be so selfless. I can't do anything without thinking of how it will fit into the family's big picture. Sometimes I wish I could just up and move somewhere, get a job and dance dance dance. It's just not possible.



So I guess the moral of this blog message is if it seems like I don't want to be your friend or that I've dropped off the face of the planet, know that I haven't. I would love to see anyone and hang out so I guess let me know if anyone has time for that. I will do my best to keep in touch and make time for other people too.



Lots of love,

ashleigh